Broken hearted? This guide will help you move on today

2 comments | Published by Olly Meakings |

After seven years of marriage, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced. If you’ve just come out of a relationship read the teentoday.co.uk break up guide and take the steps to move on.

Don’t be rude and petty
Even though you’ve just been dumped, try not to tear apart what you had. Don’t destroy the memories and don’t deliver “home-truths”. This will only lead to regrets, especially if said in the heat of the moment. If something needs to be said, wait until you are calm and level-headed. Don’t ask for gifts back and don’t return gifts – avoid being petty.

Self pity
You’ve just be dumped and you’re hurting. Everything you hoped for, all your dreams for a future together destroyed with a few words – “it’s over”, “I don’t want to see you any more”, “it’s not you, it’s me”. What can you do?

It’s not time to move on yet
It’s time for a box of tissues, a big tub of ice cream, and your best friends on speed dial. You’re gonna cry, you’re gonna scream and you’re gonna get mad. But that’s normal. Take time to reflect on the relationship, but don’t analyse it too much. This stage of a breakup is definitely the worst, but one day when you’ve had enough of the self pity, you’ll start to see the positives..

Don’t try to understand
The dumper is likely to have worked out their issues before they did the dumping. For the dumpee there are likely to be lots of questions. “What did I do wrong?”, “What changed?”. Asking yourself these questions is natural, but do not obsess over them. At some point you’re going to have to let go. The dumper had their reasons, and that needs to be enough. This leads us onto…

Don’t get in touch
You need time, they need time. If the relationship is seriously over, then there is no reason to get in touch. Delete your ex’s number from your phone (the best way to stop drunken phone calls) and avoid places where you know he/she will be. Don’t try and see them. Give them space. If they have made a mistake, they will realise it. However, if you spend every day telling them that they made a mistake you’re likely to annoy them, and validate their decision to dump you.

Don’t try to be friends
When a relationship is over, don’t assume you can instantly become friends with your ex. That isn’t to say you won’t be friends again in the future, but you need time to come to terms with what has happened. If you still have feelings for the other person, it will be difficult to be their friend without getting clingy, jealous and upset. Make sure you are honest and open about how you feel about the other person. Take your time and then talk about being friends.

Move on
You’ve wallowed in self pity, you’re a stone heavier from all that chocolate you’ve been eating, and you haven’t left the house in a month. But you’re not hurting like you used to. It’s time to move on. You need to go out, meet new people, try something different. Why not join a gym, book a holiday or plan a party? And if you do decide to go out, make sure you…

Look fabulous
It’s your first time out in ages, it’s time to get to the shops for something new to wear. Not only will you look great, but you’ll get all the benefits of retail therapy. If you bump into your ex, try and stay calm. It is likely a lot of the feelings will come back, but don’t throw yourself onto them. If they miss you, they will tell you but you CANNOT make someone love you. If you’re really lucky, the feelings will have faded and you will realise THERE IS LIFE AFTER BEING DUMPED.

Steps back and self esteem
Occasionally there may be moments where you feel you are going backwards. A memory, a photo, a song will upset you. Don’t forget that YOU ARE ONLY HUMAN, and this is going to happen. Things will get better.

For some people coping with a breakup is easier than others. Some people can move on within weeks, for others it is much more difficult.

If you are finding it particularly difficult to cope with a breakup it may be because you have a problem with your self-esteem. If you feel no one else will ever love you, that you don’t deserve to be happy and that everything in life is against you, it is likely you have issues with your self esteem.

It may be that how you felt about yourself was wrapped up in the fact that someone else liked you, and now they are gone, you feel worthless. If this is the case, you have to learn to love yourself. Corny? Very! But it is the most important lesson you will ever learn! Never, ever rely on someone else to make you happy. (make sure you read the teentoday.co.uk positive and confident outlook guide)

Keep the memories and learn the lesson
Every relationship is a lesson; use it as that. The memories you have are yours to hold onto. You may wish to reflect on them in the future. Try not to bitter about the break-up. Years down the line, you will be a different person because of the relationship – it is likely the things that are important to you will have changed.

Remember: you can get help
If you really feel you have no one to turn to for help at a difficult time, there are places you can turn. First, try friends, family, a teacher or anyone else you can talk. Or join our message boards and talk to people there. Childline offers comfort, advice, protection on 0800 1111 and their number will not show on your bill. You do not have to suffer alone!

Top 3 Things Not To Do (but we wont judge you if you do!)

* Call your ex drunk raving and ranting about how they ruined your life.

* Kiss or sleep with someone else who means nothing to you AKA the rebound. This will not feel nice in the morning.

* Get revenge. It might feel good in the short term - but achieves nothing.

Finally: you can and you will move on!